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Part of me wants an extremely posh public school boy like my father.His affluence level is “higher than average” which is always a good start.Have long conversation with Latin American man and arrange to meet on Saturday night, although I think he may be too serious for me.OD on English Breakfast tea – this finding Mr Right is jolly hard work! Receive message at 6am from banker who does live in Notting Hill two seconds away from my rental property.Meet hot prospect – therapist with house in Camden and several buy to let properties but alas again do not fancy him.Still feel rejected when he ends the date after an hour. After two disappointments head to meeting with Latin American lawyer with no expectations at all.

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After inviting me to a Salsa club and me actually accepting he doesn’t get back to me with the address until after he has left.Immediately start fantasising about marriage and kids as, obviously, he has cash.Remembering experience with youthful lothario, who I didn’t fancy, reign myself back reminding myself that I may not fancy him. Am devastated when he says he is in “Vodka for Breakfast Anonymous” and therefore cannot date me as he will not date girls in the fellowship.She said I had to practise on my own ie masturbate and buy a vibrator ASAP. Trawling through all the likes on Guardian Soulmates.Due to Catholic indoctrination from my mother I believe a bolt from Heaven will strike me down if I touch myself. As there are so many, I can’t read all their profiles but opt for the shallow option and just send a like to those whose pictures I like (after checking they are not psychopaths from their profiles). Speak to the youthful lothario for over an hour and find out he is living with his mum in Harrow in North London which is not exactly Kensington.

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